Monday, April 22, 2013

I Always Do What My Horoscope Tells Me To Do

My birthday is on October 24th which makes me a Scorpio.  This is my horoscope for today:

Be honest about your feelings for someone who you have been seeing a lot of lately.  If you can be bold, you might be pleasantly surprised.


Can't get much more to the point than that.

*deep breath*

Okay, here goes.

                                     We           fit together.
                                        Every         curve and 
                                              line         seems to match
                                                  up         like we ought to be taking notice
                                 that something      has taken notice of
                                                us.      Like magnets
                                     we find       ourselves
                   pleasantly stuck.          Entwined,
                        we are an          octopus or seven.  So
                          many arms        reaching out for warm coffee mug skin.
                                Levels of        speaking and 
                                     listening,       singing and dancing, reading
                                         line after       line after line after line...
                                                   But      especially the line in the
                                              corner     of your mouth
                                              that       I watch
                                             from      the corner
                                                   of      my 

I have made so many mistakes in the past.  I regret not a one as they've made me who I am.  But I care not to repeat them.  I have learned so much about me from these mistakes… especially the painful ones.  I've had mirrors held up to parts of myself I didn't want to see.  I've been faced with the ugly parts of myself that don’t play well with others. 

The honest truth about fearless me: There is a part of me that is always afraid. 

I could spend thousands of dollars on therapy to get to the bottom of exactly why (and I have, actually) but the important concept to grasp is that I am a hopeless romantic who is afraid to give myself over to the love I crave for fear of losing everything in the process to someone not worthy.

The short-form objective: To find a satisfying connection with another person where I feel safe enough to return the love is the ultimate goal. 

I am a die-hard believer in the idea that a relationship is 50/50.  Meet me halfway.  Admit your responsibility for the good and bad.  Let’s manage our quirks together.

If I am 50% responsible for what happens in a relationship, then every bad relationship I’ve been in must have had something to do with my choices and actions.

Examining my involvement in the growth and demise of my past relationships, I find the missteps I made in the parts I played:

·        I am exceedingly hypercritical of myself.  As an artist and a mother, I want everything to be just right.  In the past, I did not set any kind of boundary to avoid making these all-or-nothing, sometimes-irrational criticisms and judgments of my significant other.  This led to him feeling like I expected perfection from him and anything less would not be tolerated…which was true although I stubbornly never admitted it to any of them.

o   Lesson learned:  Allow him his imperfect path as others allow you yours.  He must reach his destinations under his own sail.
o   How I plan to implement this:  Think about your appreciation and gratitude to be with a man who desires to improve and enrich himself as much as you do.  Encourage him to keep truckin’ and treat him with the same compassion as you do your son when he is learning how to Life.  Admire him for his effort and tell him so often.
o   Why this time it’s different:  He is soft-hearted and free-spirited.  He will not take hypercritical judgments as the “tough love” you intend and you will hurt him if you tryAnd you know that encouragement and support will garner you more of what you want than reproach and clucking will. 

·         In groups, I am often the one who comes up with the best win/win solution for whatever problem the group is working on.  I’ve been spoiled by this because then I start to think my way is the best way.  I never made allowances for someone else’s different way to be just as good as my way.

o   Lesson learned:  I can’t be in charge of everything.  Pick your battles and let others try their hand at getting an optimal outcome. 
o   How I plan to implement this:  Keep your mouth shut sometimes.  You don’t have to offer “suggestions” every time.  He has surprised you so much already.  Let him work it out and bring home the mammoth kill of a solution.  And if it isn't how you’d do it, look at his process for how to improve your own or for clues as to what is important to him.
o   Why this time it’s different:  He loves feeling like your knight.  Let him.  He wants to do right by you.  Let him.  He wants to show you how great he can be.  LET HIM.

·         No one can read my mind.  I have to say what I want, how I want something done, and when.  Logical paths to solutions seem clear to me and I project that they should also be clear to others even though sometimes they aren't   In the past, I would hold the expectation that my significant other should flow in the same current with me and therefore should just know what I want.  When I discover he doesn’t "just know," I felt he must not care...which is kind of a psycho way to think.

o   Lesson learned:  Speak up, woman.  Be realistic.  He’s a human and may not be as intuitive or read-between-the-lines like you are.
o   How I plan to implement this:  Clear communication and lower your expectations on his ESP abilities.  Think about how you would like to be approached (clear instructions, deadlines, information, etc.) and give him the same.
o   Why this time it’s different:  He has had about enough with psycho chicks.  There’s good-crazy and bad-crazy and this is definitely bad-crazy.  He needs a woman who will work with him, not from somewhere above him.

·         I expect.  I EXPECT.  You should, he should, they should, we should.  Rules, rules, parameters, project results, best possible outcome.  Regardless of the individuality of the person I’m with, I entered the relationship with a thousand expectations pulled from everywhere but what he showed me.  I lit the whole thing on fire when I allowed myself to think less of him for not meeting my arbitrary relationship rules. 

o   Lesson learned:  No one will mold to your idea of them.  He is who he is.  You are who you are.  Either you figure out a way to make it work together or you go your separate ways.  You cannot build a relationship on potentialities.
o   How I plan to implement this:  Listen to his words.  Watch his nonverbal cues.  Look to him for the signposts about what his rules are.  Let him teach me about what I should expect from him and then I can decide if that suits me.
o   Why this time it’s different:  He is learning how to set boundaries.  I am learning how to respect them.  This is an excellent starting point for both of us as we learn these very important skills.

·         I only want to be understood.  We all do.  To have one person know me maybe better than I know myself.  To put in the time it takes to learn me…well, that must mean he cares about me strongly enough to not let bad things happen to me.  I have been under the impression that the point of a relationship is to find someone you want to learn more about and then spend your time understanding exactly every gear that makes them tick…and vice versa.  The problem is no one, not even me, is predictable to the degree I want and when he veers from the path, my world goes into a chaotic tailspin and I blame him directly for the upset.  This is also extremely psycho.

o   Lesson learned:  Anomalies, variations, and spontaneity are the things you love about life.  Ironing them into a smooth white sheet might make you feel like you can see for miles but it doesn't ring your bell and you know it.  Let waves happen.  Rolling with the punches is a more important skill than ruling with an iron fist anyway.
o   How I plan to implement this:   Look for opportunities to create spontaneity and unpredictability in situations where the consequences are not dire.  Practice being fluid when it doesn't matter so that when it does, you can make it through.
o   Why this time it’s different:  Because adventure is out there and he agrees and wants us to do it together.  This is exactly what you want.  Why shit on that?

Wow.  It is not easy to make all those admissions in one place.  But as someone who hates admitting when she is wrong I hope putting it down in black and white helps me grow.  


…after I get out of my head and move away from that little box of fear way way down, I can see past the horizon with you.  Your bold initiative and confident words thrill me in a way I've never felt before.  I never know what to expect with you.  You make me feel like the queen I always knew I was.  I feel excited about what the world holds for us now that we formed this alliance.

Life is hard and gets in the way sometimes.  We take our lumps, hopefully learn a thing or two, and move on toward greener pastures.  I think we've earned each other.  I think you are the Universe’s “Sorry I Was Such A Dick” Hallmark card to me.  

I think we are meant to teach each other that things don't always have to be how things have always been.

I feel like I’m finally with someone who gets it.