I have spent every second since we last talked thinking about what the right words are. I've boiled it down to these elemental concepts that I want to share with you:
1. We need to lay some ground rules about playmates asap.
2. Either we disagree/fight reasonably or I will remove myself. I do not do public confrontation. This is a deal breaker boundary I need you to take seriously.
3. I've recently been made aware that defensiveness is a default reaction that occurs before you've had a chance to digest what’s been said. I will remember this and try to give space for it to happen. This is a VERY new idea to me.
4. I want to reiterate what I said about needing your ambition to match mine. Your CL ad was a great step. Keep it up! I’m proud of you for doing that.
5. Don’t tell me you’re fine and good when you’re not. This is deceptive and erodes trust in what you say. Something important you should know about me is that trust, for me, is not a renewable resource. Please always be truthful with me because once it’s gone I can’t get it back. This is another deal breaker boundary I need you to take seriously.
6. Please figure out what is making you fall asleep. I don’t think I can take another episode.
7. I love our multi-media communication. Some or all, I don’t care, but not NONE. I get so much from it and taking it down to nothing was like turning off the lights. I lost you like an earring in the waves.
I want you to know I want to keep going. The first half of my radio silence was spent with thoughts glacially moving in the other direction. Then two friends, who don’t know each other but know me well, went to bat for you. They gave me some new perspectives. But more illuminating was the way they described how I was when you first showed up in my life. They described a joyful girl, mooning about, humming to herself near flowers in vases. How I used words like “everything I’m looking for” and “has his shit together” and “so different from the others.”
Please remember that up to this point I have had to teach first-graders. TEACH. I've suddenly found myself with a Masters level peer and I have to break into rubble a lot of the foundational material I've spent the last decade mortaring repetitively.
I want our passion and humor back. I want to see you bulletproof again. I want those strange sounds you humans call “giggles” rising from my throat. Spontaneous and parallel, two distinct energies recognizing each other through the blackness of the ether.
What are the chances? I’ll take mine if you’ll have me.