Monday, March 28, 2011

How Does The Universe Work?

I know it’s been awhile since I posted. My life has been traveling at light speed. I find myself questioning the Universe and my relationship with it.

I had a conversation with B (my boyfriend) last night that triggered some very deep questions in myself.

All my life, I have felt that there has been a blueprint for my life. I can make any choice I want, even ones that don’t follow the blueprint. If I choose against the blueprint, I can expect hardship and trouble and only a percentage of a chance of success. If I choose to follow the blueprint, I can expect easier times or at least, to not be hit as hard.

If all this seems very esoteric, it is. I’m sorry if its hard to follow but I just need to get this out. If I still need to explain anything by the end of reading this, please let me know in the comments.

Anyway, I have approached what I call my Universe Theory in a scientific manner ever since I became aware that not all of everything is random. I can’t prove how I know that synchronicity and fated events exist but I believe they do. The scientific method is how I have tested my Universe Theory.

1. Live life for awhile.
2. Make choices that benefit me, increase my happiness.
3. Sit back and wait to see what the Universe brings me.
4. RESULT: I get hit hard, over and over and over again, with trouble and hardship. Almost as though I am being punished.


1. Live life for awhile (or recover from the last round of Christina-cum-Cosmic-Punching-Bag)
2. Make choices that don’t necessarily increase my happiness, but that do seem more in line with whatever blueprint the Universe has in store for me. (i.e. Doing what makes me happy vs. Doing what I’m supposed to be doing)
3. Sit back and wait to see what the Universe brings me.
4. RESULT: I get hit less hard, or am afforded the "coincidences" that seem like "gifts from God" that end up saving my ass. Almost as though I am being patted on the head with "help" as a reward for doing what the Universe wants me to.

Its kind of like Joan of Arc. Being a nun made her happy. But that wasn’t what she was supposed to do. She had to be a warrior (and go crazy listening to the voice of God and angels in her head).

If I want X because it will make me happy, but the Universe keeps throwing choices at me in which choosing X will ultimately cause me so much hardship and strife that just out of sheer say-uncle I choose Y because that is what will stop the cosmic kicks to the ribs.

So the conversation I had with B last night went like this:
C: I want X because it will make me really really happy. But 1, 2 and 3 happened recently that make me think the Universe doesn’t want me to choose X, and instead choose Y. I will not choose Y because that’s not what I want, but now I have to be prepared to be hit hard for choosing X. And I’m scared of that.

B: I also want X because it will make me really really happy. But now that I know that you believe you will experience bad things for choosing X, it makes me want to help spare you that pain and not make X happen. And that makes me sad.

C: X is going to happen. Have no fear. But I want to warn you, as my partner, that you may be taking on a big liability in me if you choose to remain.

B: I choose to remain. But explain to me why the Universe doesn’t want you to be happy?

C: Because what if the Universe threw 1, 2 and 3 at me as a way to warn me: Don’t go through with X because then you will get more (and worse) of 1, 2 and 3.

B: Go on.

C: Or what if the Universe threw 1, 2 and 3 at me as a way to teach me: Here is some practice for what X will be like if you choose it, so that you are better prepared for the inevitable 1, 2 and 3.

B: May I suggest a third option?

C: Please.

B: What if the Universe as you know it is a construct (obstacle) that your fear has built? That this thing that you think is the Universe is really just a succubus controlling your life? What if the actual Universe is nothing but love and light and contains all the freedom for you to find your happiness (and this actual Universe has been trying to get through to you this whole time)? What if the actual Universe put ME in your path to show you that if you face this obstacle-fear-constructed-Universe-falsity with love in your corner, that you might break through and experience freedom from this controlling thought pattern that prevents you from experiencing true happiness? What if I am the messenger you didn’t know you were seeking? What if I am the instrument that can teach you to cope?

C; Huh. I never thought about it like that. And boy howdy, does that ring with truth....
My jury is still out on how this is all going to play out but I have to say B may be onto something. And I will be watching for the signs. Fingers crossed.


Ananda said...

Hello my darling friend. I am full of joy that your experience has brought you to this very exciting place. Awareness and Love are available to you every "moment" of your journey. Even in the darkest place where anguish radiates throughout your being and you feel cheated or attacked by the universe - try to recall - take a breath and do your best to remember - you already know, it is available to you - the euphoria that you experienced the first time you saw a sunset, the moment when you experienced a sense of security in the arms of another, the elation of realizing that no matter what happens you will Love that little being that grew inside of you forever... Love. Love is always present. Even in the agony. You must awaken to the truth that seperateness is illusion - you chose to incarnate to awaken from the illusion of seperateness. This is what I wish for you. That your path will allow you the experience of awakening from the dream within a dream. That you will rest inside of the breath that is the vehicle of life. When sorrow comes I 'pray' that you will simply remember what you already know... that 'god' is Love - that is why we crave that glorious feeling of romantic interaction - the quickening of our heartbeat, the skip in our step - that emotion is most easily generated from 'falling in Love' - but remember - quiet your mind and send your awareness to your heart center and you will find that you are not IN Love WITH anyone - for we are all connected and are all one - we are ALL god. God is not a being upon a cloud with a plan and a lightning bolt waiting to smite thee for not following the delicate maze of booby traps he/she/it has laid out before you. God does not plan to destroy or tear down your joy because you did not perform the perfect monkey dance. Sorrow is essential to know joy. Souls get lost in order to discover the karma they have carried - in order to shed it. The seed does not know the sun beneath the soil... but from within the sprout senses the warmth and seeks it. Through the tretcherous rock, bug and danger filled soil it travels - until one spring day it breaks through confinment and reaches to the sky.... but it always has the roots that cling to the earth in attachment - for without those roots - it can not exist.

I want to share with you a lecture by Ram Dass. I will copy and paste it here - and if you send me an email with your address I shall send you - your choice of either an audio book or a text of a Ram Dass book. I also recommend that you seek out at your library a book called 'Oneness' by Rasha ( - if you can't get it at the library - see if they could order it from another library... libraries do that because they are all connected too you know... haha.... Also if you're looking for something in comparison to a 'short story' of enlightening spiritual teachings I suggest 'The Awakening West' - another great spiritual teacher I swear by is Eckhart Tolle - I've mentioned him to you before...

So in conclusion - I wish to share with you the following lecture by Ram Dass.

Ananda said...

Ram Dass: For most people, when you say that suffering is Grace it seems off the wall to them. And we’ve got to deal now with our own suffering and other people’s suffering. Because that is certainly a distinction that is very real, because even if we understand the way in which suffering is Grace – that is the way in which it can be a vehicle for awakening – that is fine for us. It’s quite a different thing to look at somebody else’s suffering and say it’s Grace. And Grace is something that an individual can see about their own suffering and then use it to their advantage. It is not something that can be a rationalization for allowing another human being to suffer. And you have to listen to the level at which another person is suffering. And when somebody is hungry you give them food. As my guru said, God comes to the hungry person in the form of food. You give them food and then when they’ve had their belly filled then they may be interested in questions about God. Even though you know from say Buddhist training, or whatever spiritual training you have had, that the root cause of suffering is ignorance about the nature of dharma. To give somebody a dharma lecture when they are hungry is just inappropriate methodology in terms of ending suffering.
So, the hard answer for how you are able to see suffering as Grace, and this is a stinker really, is that you have got to have consumed suffering into yourself. Which means, you see there is a tendency in us to find suffering aversive. And so we want to distance ourselves from it. Like if you have a toothache, it becomes that toothache. It’s not us any more. It’s that tooth. And so if there are suffering people, you want to look at them on television or meet them but then keep a distance from them. Because you are afraid you will drown in it. You are afraid you will drown in a pain that will be unbearable. And the fact of the matter is you have to. You finally have to. Because if you close your heart down to anything in the universe, it’s got you. You are then at the mercy of suffering. And to have finally dealt with suffering, you have to consume it into yourself. Which means you have to with eyes open be able to keep your heart open in hell. You have to look at what is, and say Yea, Right. And what it involves is bearing the unbearable. And in a way, who you think you are can’t do it. Who you really are can do it. So that who you think you are dies in the process.

Ananda said...

Like I am dealing, I am counseling now, the counselor of a couple who went to a movie and when they came home their house had burned down and their three children had burned to death. Three, five and seven. And she is Mexican Catholic and he is a Caucasian Protestant. And they are responding entirely different to it. She is going in to deep spiritual experiences and talking with the children on other planes and he is full of denial and anger and feelings of inadequacy. And in a way, that situation is so unbearable and you wouldn’t ever lay that on another human being but there it is. And what will happen is she may come out of this a much deeper spiritual more profound, more evolved person. And he, because the way he dealt with it was through denial, may end up contracted and tight because he couldn’t embrace the suffering. He couldn’t go towards it. He pushed it away in order to preserve his sanity. In a way, there is a process in which suffering requires you to die into it or to give up your image of yourself. When you say I can’t bear it. Who is that? And they talk about the saints of India as being the living dead, because they have died who they thought they were. And they talk about the saints for whom all people are their children. So that everybody that is dying is their child dying. It’s easy to say “Well, it’s not my child.” or “It’s not my brother or my friend.” This poem is most familiar to most of you here, but it’s still every time I read it I get off on it. I think it’s worth it.
from Earth Prayers, Thich Nhat Hanh
Do not say that I’ll depart tomorrow
because even today I still arrive.
Look at me: I arrive in every second
to be a bud on a spring branch,
to be a tiny bird whose wings are still fragile,
learning to sing in my new nest,
to be a caterpillar in the heart of a flower,
to be a jewel hiding itself in a stone.
I still arrive, in order to laugh and to cry,
in order to fear and to hope,
the rhythm of my heart is the birth and
death of all that are alive.
I am the mayfly metamorphosing in the
surface of the river.
I am also the bird which, when spring comes,
arrives in time to eat the mayfly.
I am a frog swimming happily in the
clear water of a pond.
I am also the grass-snake who,
approaching in silence,
feeds itself on the frog.
I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones,
my legs as thin as bamboo sticks.
I am also the merchant of arms, selling deadly
weapons to Uganda.
I am the 12-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat,
who throws herself into the ocean after
being raped by a sea pirate.
I am also the pirate, my heart not yet capable
of seeing and loving.
I am a member of the politburo, with
plenty of power in my hand.
I am also the man who has to pay his
“debt of blood” to my people,
dying slowly in a forced labor camp.
My joy is like spring, so warm it makes
flowers bloom in all walks of life.
My pain is like a river of tears, so full it
fills up all the four oceans.
Please call me by my correct names,
so that I can hear all my cries and my laughs at once,
so I can see that my joy and pain are but one.
Please call me by my correct names,
so I can become awake,
and so that the door of my heart be left open,
the door of compassion.

Christina Boykin said...

Thank you for your really thoughtful and insightful comments. Rather than put my thoughts into a further comment, your ideas and Ram's ideas have given me further food for thought that I want to put into my next blog post. I love you, girl! Thank you really!